Labels are problematic. Human languages are inadequate to the task of describing the complexities of human experience. Even women who embrace a given label may find it only partially succeeds in serving its descriptive function. And those who reject a label may still recognize its merits. The responses above are clear evidence that choosing how to identify is a complex issue with a myriad of possible opinions and strategies, and no simple solution or correct answer. Each individual must find her own way. My own experience of identity has been an ongoing process and may serve as one example. The bisexual label works for me, and has greatly enhanced my life. It has also, at times, cost me dearly.
I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge in myself the capacity to be attracted to and sexual with people of more than one sex, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree. It is clear to me that I was bisexual long before I ever “acted on it,” just as a person who has never had sex can be lesbian or straight. After all, identity is not only about behavior. It is also about what we feel inside. A woman can be bisexual even if she never ends up acting on it, or even if—like me—she is in a monogamous relationship that she expects will last the rest of her life.
On the negative side, by calling myself bisexual I exposed myself to anger, hostility, stereotyping, and lowered my status in the “gay and lesbian” community.
On the positive side, my bisexual identity was a route to community. By responding in September 1982 to an announcement in the paper about a discussion about bisexuality, I found my way into a room of women who also identified as bisexual, who understood my experience. This led to membership in a support group, to friendships, and subsequently to advocacy and activism, all of which have greatly enhanced my life.
I have become, over time, less a believer that there is some sort of essential difference between people who use various words to describe ourselves. Lesbian, bisexual, queer, even “choose-not-to-label”—these are tags that we place on ourselves to give others information about how we understand ourselves. These words mean different things to different women.
I have been committed to a woman (for life, we hope) for eight years, and we have been legally married since the first day it was legal in Massachusetts to do so: May 17, 2004. I haven’t slept with a man since 1992. Many other women whose stories are similar to mine would by now have adopted a lesbian label. I haven’t. I am happy to be grouped with lesbians. Queers too. But it is important to me that I be seen in full: past, present, and potential future; internal and external, and that no part of me be obscured or erased.
We use words to describe ourselves, but these words are at best tools to help us explain—to ourselves and to others—who we are and how we see ourselves. They have value in so far as they can be used to make us visible, and to help us find others with similar experiences, but in reality each of us has our own path and unique experience. And while this may not feel like a very stable foundation upon which to hang one’s hat, it is in fact facing up to reality.
It can be very frustrating for those of us who identify as bisexual when others reject the label we have worked so long and hard to create a space for. I am left with the question: is my bisexual activism about making it safe for these women to identify as bisexual? Or is it about making it safe for all of us to identify, or not identify, however we choose, and to be respected as we are.
My answer, clearly, is the latter. However, we still live in a world in which people think in either/or binaries, and most people believe we are either one thing or the other, and are uncomfortable with notions of fluidity. How can we make it safe for women who identify as bisexual? Or not? How can “not bi” women be visibly “not straight” and “not gay” either so that they can help dispel binary notions? This is the challenge that I put forth to all of us: let us respect one another, speak our truths, listen to each other’s stories, refrain from imposing our own assumptions and understanding on others, and figure out ways that we can increase the space available for all of us. ~ Roybn Ochs
http://transition.turbulence.org/robynochs.com/writing/essays/whats_in_a_name.html
